i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
this beer tastes like vomit already
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
