Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Floor bacon is actually really good
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