I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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