the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
