everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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