How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
