Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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