guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
i've created a new STD.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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