Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
