I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
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