Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Randomize
