Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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