video games are the ultimate cock blocker
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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