i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
