HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
high people should be assigned attendants
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
