At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I looked at my own cervix.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
These tits shall not be calmed
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Randomize
