Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
