he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
