This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
