Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
