i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
