Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
