My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
