1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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