It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
