i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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