Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
