Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
