just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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