I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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