Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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