I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
