I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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