I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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