the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I understand Curling. That high.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize