The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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