You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
