Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
