Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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