My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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