dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
