I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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