MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
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