I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
