This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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