walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
