Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
