my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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