When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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