Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
